What they wouldn't share with their children would be, most likely, the nature of said secrets, which is why parents get upset at teenagers and, when necessary, discipline them accordingly. The sad fact of this is because of one simple thing: everything a parent warns his children about is a precise laundry list of activities they got up to when they were kids, and sure such activities were fun back then, but looking upon their own spawn engaging in such behavior they begin to realize that they are, in fact, the very same people that their parents had warned them about back when they were teens.
And the cycle of exploration, experimentation, secret keeping, and kicking the canes out from underneath old people would most likely continue until the end of times, when some deity will likely part the clouds and then trip up all those that didn't or did worship them. The secrets Poppa Igor kept from revealing really weren't that interesting (so he claimed), and even less so for his son. Igor's biggest secret came in the form of entering the high school science fair, knowing full well his father would raise hell over such an overt act of teenaged rebellion.
At least it wasn't as bad as Poppa Igor's secret -- rhythm electric accordion in a band called "Toe Fungus" back in the 1960's which specialized in acid polkas and psychedelic waltzes. Wild times, baby. Wild times.
The science fair was to take place in the gymnasium of Transylvania High School. Morning came with an understated sense of beauty and, Igor felt, only good things could happen on such a picture perfect morning. Momma Igor took the news of Igor's entry into the science fair as expected, with a smile that had the radiance of a hundred watt bulb. Unfortunately, Poppa Igor's response was equally predictable.
The von Igor family hybrid came to a stop in the expansive parking lot, and Igor climbed out of the back seat to claim his experiment from the rear hatch as Poppa Igor grumbled to himself while feeling around for the trunk release. The catch released, and Igor leaned in for the blanket covered box which contained his secret project.
"Science dumb. Why you want to be in science fair?" Poppa Igor asked as he closed the driver's side door.
Igor was headed for the building before he had to hear any more complaints.
Momma Igor retrieved the pet carrier from the back seat, and nudged the open door back into place with a swish of the hip. Her purse, however, was held tightly in her free hand should it become necessary to whack her husband upside the head.
"Igor have big brain."
"He got big hump! He no use it!" This was directed less at his wife, as if to prove a point. Momma Igor, however, had her own points to prove. The resounding WHACK of leather against leathery skin brought a guilty smile to Igor's face.
"Show support for your son!"
Igor forced the smile away, and stopped mid-step to face his constantly disapproving father. "Poppa, Igor like science."
"You should like girls! Not science! Why can't you be like Grandpa Igor? Huh? Grandpa
Igor didn't like science!"
Igor shook his head, and continued onwards towards the gym. Momma Igor, as usual, came to the defense of her son as Igor sometimes chose to believe arguing wasn't good for either of them.
"Grandpa Igor stupid. Small brain."
"Grandpa made Igor's wealthy. Famous. He big Hollywood star." He then raised his voice for the point he was constantly trying to make. "You could be Hollywood star! Lots of pretty girls in Hollywood! Rich too! Most of them easy! They'd rub your hump!"
Halfway through this latest taunt, Igor had made it through the double doors and the inevitable whack against Poppa Igor's head was softened by the panes of glass put between the two of them.
"Why you do that?"
"I check to see if head on straight."
"It is. Good stitching. See?"
And it was. Poppa Igor had anticipated there would be many beatings to the back of his head this day, and he had prepared accordingly. The only variable would be if Momma Igor had placed a brick in her handbag this morning like she threatened the previous night. Considering these last few instances of impact, yeah, Momma Igor had made good on her threat.
The distinct purr of a red convertible took Poppa Igor's attention from the lumps threatening to blossom upon his head, and turned to see what was causing the mechanical equivalent of a well tuned voice box resonating by means of repeating Zen mantras. What silenced the harmonious machine had obviously been blessed by the gods.
Dr. Sunny Jameson was comprised of long legs, long blond hair, an impossibly white smile, green eyes with enough voltage to stun large farm animals, a teenager's waist and, most importantly, huge, luscious chest humps. A short black dress and long white lab coat, it seemed, was all that she wore. It was enough to steam up the secret family recipe of formaldehyde and other illegally obtained chemicals that coursed through their bodies, which, now, was starting to bubble. This encounter would likely end in embarrassment, with the secret blend of chemicals dissolving the stitches while Poppa Igor's head would go falling towards the ground.
Sunny stepped up to the now sweating form of Poppa Igor, and offered her hand as a courtesy. A quick look to the side indicated Momma Igor would be placing two bricks in her handbag should the delicate touch of Miss Jameson be taken into her husband's grasp.
"Hi, I'm Doctor Jameson, from the local aviations lab." Her voice was like music. Her scent, like flowers. Her chest humps should've come with a sign that said "Bouncy Curves Ahead -- Delightfully Slippery When Wet."
"Could you tell me where I can find the other science fair judges?"
"You judge science fair?"
"Well, I'm one of them."
Momma Igor, sensing her husband might explode or, at the very least, spontaneously dissolve before the radiance of Dr. Jameson, interjected to steer this conversation away from the
direction it was currently headed.
"Our son in science fair. He's smart."
"Well, I look forward to his entry. See you soon." Each soft step away was accompanied by the pendulum like swish of her hips.
"Maybe science not so bad."
"Here, you're going to need this." Momma Igor handed a sewing kit to Poppa Igor as he settled into his trance like state. The thought of using a bad pun like "hip-nosis" to describe Sunny's way of walking was currently being considered for future use around the water cooler where Poppa Igor worked.
And then there was darkness.
Well, not darkness per se. It started out as darkness, but quickly evolved into a spinning of reality that came to an eventual stop. Poppa Igor's head was now fifteen feet away from his feet.
"Now look what you do!"
"Humph!"
* * * * *
There was an active hum of movement and noise inside the gymnasium as entrants went about setting up their projects on the tables momentarily shifted from the cafeteria. In Igor's predetermined location rested the still hidden contraption. From the way the blanket rested upon it, folds of cloth held in the mystery of something resembling a large switch while a few stray wires curled their way out of their cover and around to the back of the display.
Some of the students had taken it upon themselves to mill about the setups to see just how badly they were going to be outshone by the smarter of their ranks. A floppy haired, blue eyed guy named Josh was searching for his hunchbacked friend, eager to see what his mind had cooked up. Josh stepped up behind him as Igor scanned the crowd for Momma Igor, who currently held the whole reason for this scientific dance.
"Hey Iggy, whatcha got there?"
Josh, one of Igor's few friends, was a friendly individual who, Igor had to remind himself, was not interested in a life of a science. He hoped to become a male stripper one day, and Igor knew Josh entered only because his parents weren't too keen on his prospective career.
" Oh, hi Josh. This Igor's project."
"Really, can I see?"
"Well...Igor guess."
"Cool."
After a conspiratorial look around to make sure no one was paying any attention to he and his friend, Igor quietly beckoned Josh towards the display and lifted the blanket. There was a large switch, as one might have guessed. There were also other electric...things. It looked both modern and ancient at the same time, as it was a hodgepodge of found items from the last century and a half. Duct tape held bits of it together, and a few LED lights had been added both for aesthetic taste and the fact all manner of technology has one thing in common: flashing lights. Igor was proud to note that it made absolutely no sense to Josh at all.
"So...what does it do?"
* * * * *
Inside the school cafeteria sat Momma Igor who was chatting amongst the other mothers.
The pet carrier rested at her side and, though it was covered in towels to ensure its contents remained a mystery, the smell that broke through the plastic threatened to reveal the secret of Igor's project.
* * * * *
Outside, Poppa Igor had managed to get his head back onto his aimless wandering torso and was finishing up the stitching that should hold this time, no matter how many bricks Momma Igor had sealed up in her handbag. This repair job had been accomplished in record time, too, as Poppa Igor needed the extra time to return home, retrieve a dusty old bag he kept in the basement, and his favorite bowler hat and matching tie which, truthfully, didn't match at all. The hat was black, the tie was an ugly faded yellow. After a quick application of a rather masculine aftershave had been properly applied; as in, he opened the bottle and poured it out on his head. Poppa Igor took the dusty old bag and returned to the high school.
* * * * *
The look on Josh's face said it all: sympathetic, confused, and above all else,
totally weirded out.
"So...this machine...does that?"
Igor nodded and whispered into Josh's ear.
"Really? Why?"
More nodding, more whispering. Josh looked as if his friend just admitted to being a professional child molester and part time chicken rapist.
"Your entire family? Including you?"
Igor nodded one final time.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Iggy."
"Josh not be sorry. It just how Igor's family survive."
"Well, okay. So how will you...demonstrate...this?"
"Demonstrate?"
"Yeah. What, or who, will you use it on?"
A final moment of whispering threatened to shake Josh's soul from him.
"Oh," was all he could say.
* * * * *
Poppa Igor stepped into the gymnasium just as the judges began making their rounds through the assorted experiments. The pungent aftershave he wore reached out to Momma Igor, who looked up to see her husband in what he considered to be his finest clothes. The dusty bag that was slung around his shoulder only confirmed what Momma Igor felt he was up to.
"Poppa, get over here! Science fair has begun!"
Poppa Igor smiled his deviant smile at Momma that stated, in no uncertain terms, "I'm leaving you." He then looked and found Dr. Sunny making her way down the nearest aisle, and he immediately unzipped the bag that contained his old accordion. Once he had Sunny's attention, the mating dance would begin. He then set his plan in motion as she took a few more steps in his direction.
Aftershave, normally, is a male's secret weapon when it comes to attracting females or, if necessary, other males. Many over priced designer brands had spent a fortune in advertising and another on their kamikaze sale representatives that leaped out at you in the mall, spritzed you with some ungodly scent, and quickly retreated before an angry hand reached out for them and slammed them into the nearest display counter.
The scent of aftershave, including this particular musty scent ("Cowboy's Delight"), when applied to the skin of a von Igor usually had the opposite effect as the regenerative fluids that often oozed through to the top layer of their skin would set of a chemical reaction and transform said liquid aromatic from something laughably seductive into something much, much worse. Poppa Igor's preferred scent was one that evoked thoughts of horseback riding and leather. When it collided with his unique body chemistry, the only images it brought to mind were of cats vomiting and the unclean bowels of a long dead, rotting cow.
Sunny was examining an experiment that set out to explain the uses of decomposing rats as a viable alternative to fossil fuels when Poppa Igor made his move. Even in the face of rat recycling and aftershave gone bad, Sunny was able to maintain her composure.
"You know, Igor get smarts from family. Big brains run in family." Poppa Igor had removed his bowler and was smoothing back what little hair he had. James Dean, he wasn't.
"Mmmhmm," she stated to herself as she examined the rat recycler's diagrams and calculations.
"Big humps run in family, too."
"Mmmhmm." Now she considered how cheese came into the equation of lowering energy prices.
Josh was currently being grilled on his science project, "Why Algae Is A Great Lubricant," and the judges were almost finished with him. Igor's project would soon come under observation, and it was missing a vital component. To think that Igor would have to rely on his father for the final component pretty much concluded that Igor would be passed over by the judging committee. Igor stepped and dragged his way to where Poppa Igor was now preparing to serenade Sunny, hoping he'd know the location of his experiment's most crucial element.
"Poppa, Igor need Sparky. Where Sparky?"
"Not now. Poppa trying to score. Tell your momma I never loved her." He then swung his battered squeezebox to his chest and began fingering the keyboard as Igor then bounced away from his father like a pinball headed towards the only reliable force in his family.
"Momma, where Sparky?"
"Here Sparky."
Momma Igor opened the pet carrier and dumped the stiff and oddly bent corpse of Sparky out onto the gymnasium floor. The flies that followed had a hum that rivaled Sunny's sports car.
Sunny had left the moderately gruesome experiment and was headed for one even more disturbing. Poppa Igor was preparing a medley of his greatest waltzes and wore a smile that should've remained hidden.
"Dear god, what's that smell?" Sunny was now two experiments away from Igor's display. He hurriedly continued his final preparations as Poppa Igor followed behind her.
"It my cologne. You like? It bring all the bitches, yo."
Sunny, obviously used to ugly, incompetent men vying desperately for, at the very least, for her undivided attention, never even noticed Poppa Igor's attempt at modernizing his lack of sexual appeal by means of referring to her as "yo." It didn't go unnoticed by Momma Igor, though, who was tapping a foot impatiently. Any second now, the purse would take flight.
"Go help Igor with Sparky."
"Yes Momma."
There are times when a person's future is, seemingly, laid out at their feet via their simplest accomplishments. For some, it's the applause of a crowd. For others, it's casual happenstance that leads them to greatness. For Igor, it would be an old family secret for which he displayed his curious natural talents involving electricity.
Poppa Igor had placed the stiffened form of Sparky down on the wooden block off to the side of the machine. Igor himself made a few calculations, adjust some dials, connected two metal spatulas up to the main electrical probes by means of jumper cables, and stood back for dramatic effect.
"Good luck, Iggy." Josh gave his friend a quick pat on the back and got the hell
out of there, knowing full well what was about to happen.
"Thank you, Josh." With that, Igor turned his attention to the approaching form of
Dr. Sunny Jameson.
"And Mr. Igor, what do you have to show me today?"
"Ladies, gentlemen. Igor present to you great scientific device." A quick imitation of Vanna White was attempted, as Igor walked up and down the length of his display with arms outstretched and a disfigured smile upon his face.
"Very impressive, young man. What does it do?"
"Igor show you, but with help of important assistant: Sparky.
"And where is this Sparky?"
Brilliant as he was, Igor couldn't comprehend how someone could miss the fact that a dead dog was laying upon the display table, hooked up to two kitchen spatulas and a device that looked like a defibrillator from Hell.
"Here Sparky. He Igor’s beloved dog. He get ran over last week."
That got Sunny's attention.
"What...did...you...say?!"
"Sparky Igor's dog. He dead. Igor bring Sparky back to life."
Igor pushed several buttons in a particular sequence, grabbed the spatula terminals, rubbed them together, and sparks begin to fly.
"These electrodes of Igor’s own design. Power channeled through spatulas. And this..." Igor hobbled back over to the main unit of his experiment. He reached out for the large, somewhat rusty switch with his left hand, and smiled."
"...THIS POWER OF GOD!"
Igor, having practiced this particular motion many times in front of the mirror, was as horrified as the surrounding throngs when Igor completely failed to move the switch, and in fact tore the stitches that held his arm to his torso causing the whole appendage to fall towards the floor. It was a gruesome display, to say the least, but at least Igor's firm grip had held onto the switch tightly, causing the sickly limb to wave slightly as it dangled freely above the floor.
With a shrill "Oh my god in heaven!" Sunny fainted. Momma Igor was the only one who remained somewhat calm.
"It okay! It okay! Stitching just come loose. Momma fix it!"
"Sunny faint! Need mouth to mouth!" Poppa Igor thought back to the lifesaving techniques he learned from Baywatch, and prepared to administer the kiss of life, tongue included.
"Stay back. Sunny need air. I know mouth to mouth."
A random voice offered "But she didn't drown!"
"So? Mouth to mouth always work for me!"
Momma Igor, in a heightened state of awareness, had finished re-stitching Igor's arm before he was fully aware of it. Time was a valuable commodity, and her husband was about to attempt to betray his vows to her.
"There you go." She then turned to see Poppa Igor munching on a breath mint, making his final preparation to ensure Sunny enjoyed her life granting experience.
"Momma need to borrow Sparky. Is that okay?"
"Igor guess."
"Momma take good care of him. I promise."
Quickly, Momma Igor disconnected the electrodes running into Sparky's dead, curved boy. She then grabbed him by the hind legs, leaned back, and hurled the poor dead thing towards her husband. The broken form of Sparky connected with Poppa Igor, throwing him backwards as Sunny began to regain consciousness. Her virtue, plus Momma Igor's marriage, had been defended.
"What the hell happened?" Sunny struggled to get to her feet as Momma Igor helped her up.
"Nothing. Igor ready to do science fair project." She then turned to her husband and ordered "Bring Sparky over here!"
"Yes, Momma." Poppa Igor picked the dog up, and walked behind Momma as she helped Sunny back to Igor's display. He considered dropping Momma Igor with a well timed dead dog to the back of the head, but figured there'd be too many witnesses.
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